stranger on the outside
almost more comfortable here than in the circle of people you know
sit on the outskirts
of conversations you wish were easy
but the words never come to you
so you’re left feeling alone and queasy
people sit and try to fit in
you can see past all their bullshit
the people who don’t even know anyway
but somehow fit in no matter the case
when did i stop writing?
it wasn’t when everything became okay.
when did i stop writing?
my never ending thoughts, they never went away.
when did i stop cataloging
all the hopes and fears i had
when did i stop thinking in rhymes
was it when my life didn’t make me so miserably sad?
when did i stop feeling
like i wasn’t actually alone?
and what if it doesn’t work out?
i’ll lose myself, my heart, the man that makes me feel at home.
my life is a blur of memories I can’t quite seem to recall
only known by photos jogging alternate snapshots of a full life
that i can’t really recollect
or put to a solid frame of time
my life is an inconsistent choice
made by a girl who knows too little too late
who is sure in the moment that what she wants is the best thing for her
but can’t seem to recall her reasoning when questioned
my path is guided by choices towards good
but lurking in the shadows are the fears she has about others
so she shines her light upon them
and hopes it can help them too
Two years ago I sat alone with a man, who I vaguely knew through friends. We talked by ourselves for four hours after everyone else went home.
Two years ago was groundbreaking for a lot of cheesy posts, a ton of laughs, and a lot of learning.
I could literally write a novel, and I’ve already written 15 versions of this to fully explain how I feel. I got really lucky. I have a man who challenges me, is supportive, and is the best person I could ever have in my life.
I am struggling.
I am struggling to find myself in a sea full of worry I have created upon my own.
I used to be strong and strong-willed
but then I lost my drive and motivation.
I lost what filled my soul and drove my heart.
And I can’t tell if it’s that I’m getting older,
or the world is changing,
but I lost me along the way to find myself.
I am hard to the earth
where on this earth, it was once hard to be me.
I am becoming dull and dumb
where I once bloomed and strived for the light.
I lost my ways of loving and being open
and have in-turn shut out the light that let me glow.
I am struggling to remember
a time where I wasn’t like this
because honestly I even remember my family saying the things I’ve been thinking
when I was younger and more naive.
I am struggling to find the middle ground where true should actually be
between what I feel is right
and what’s been haunting me.
I want to be love and I want to be free
but I can’t pull away from the freedom that I won’t let the other people be
I need change and I need acceptance
but am not willing to change for myself
or accept who I am.
And so I sit and stay
in this narrow unfulfilled space
while I let my life pass me by
and these slow, nurtureless thoughts race.
I am crashing
I can feel it in my brittle bones
And tender heart
The daughter of self sabotage
Leaning in to her own form of betrayal
i found this man, and he is a man, not a boy. i found this man that made my world set fire for so long and who set me on fire. i found this man who has done so much for me.
but when i found this man i started to lose myself, just like i have done every other time, with others. i have lost myself in someone who is understanding and caring, but i am still lost and do not know how to find myself.
i have always found myself in other people. i have always let people define me and used my spirit as my guide of when they are not good to me anymore. but this man, i don’t see him not being good to me anymore. i only see myself pulling away and losing myself even further. i only see my self-sabotage slowly taking place so that no one knows it but me, because i’ve done it before.
i don’t know how to go next, but i don’t want to lose myself and i can’t afford to lose this man. i have to push, i have to find myself separate but the same as him. i have to step up and define my life, define my spirit, define my sanity so i can set fire to him like he did to me.