I am struggling.
I am struggling to find myself in a sea full of worry I have created upon my own.
I used to be strong and strong-willed
but then I lost my drive and motivation.
I lost what filled my soul and drove my heart.
And I can’t tell if it’s that I’m getting older,
or the world is changing,
but I lost me along the way to find myself.
I am hard to the earth
where on this earth, it was once hard to be me.
I am becoming dull and dumb
where I once bloomed and strived for the light.
I lost my ways of loving and being open
and have in-turn shut out the light that let me glow.
I am struggling to remember
a time where I wasn’t like this
because honestly I even remember my family saying the things I’ve been thinking
when I was younger and more naive.
I am struggling to find the middle ground where true should actually be
between what I feel is right
and what’s been haunting me.
I want to be love and I want to be free
but I can’t pull away from the freedom that I won’t let the other people be
I need change and I need acceptance
but am not willing to change for myself
or accept who I am.
And so I sit and stay
in this narrow unfulfilled space
while I let my life pass me by
and these slow, nurtureless thoughts race.
I am crashing
I can feel it in my brittle bones
And tender heart
The daughter of self sabotage
Leaning in to her own form of betrayal
i found this man, and he is a man, not a boy. i found this man that made my world set fire for so long and who set me on fire. i found this man who has done so much for me.
but when i found this man i started to lose myself, just like i have done every other time, with others. i have lost myself in someone who is understanding and caring, but i am still lost and do not know how to find myself.
i have always found myself in other people. i have always let people define me and used my spirit as my guide of when they are not good to me anymore. but this man, i don’t see him not being good to me anymore. i only see myself pulling away and losing myself even further. i only see my self-sabotage slowly taking place so that no one knows it but me, because i’ve done it before.
i don’t know how to go next, but i don’t want to lose myself and i can’t afford to lose this man. i have to push, i have to find myself separate but the same as him. i have to step up and define my life, define my spirit, define my sanity so i can set fire to him like he did to me.
how do you listen
to stories you don’t know how to tell
when you, yourself are lost
but you know you hide it well
how do you find the comfort
of connecting with another
when you can’t connect with yourself
and blame it on your mother
how do you let go
and learn to differentiate the truth
between whats good for you and bad for you
and how to detect a sleuth
i don’t know how i feel
torn between good night
but it’s so hard to resist your truth
when i feel the pain
of your ever present bite
you fill this void
with a depression different
than you ever knew you had
you drink and smoke and socialize
to pretend you don’t feel bad
you find all the things
that make you feel more whole
and drown them with your sorrows
until you aren’t yourself anymore
and your life is just being borrowed
i sat in a yard with a swing
waiting for you to tell me everything
i sat knee to knee
knowing you would make me who i need to be
i sat in your arms
for hours on end
while i tortured you with heat
and you’d pretend to still be cold
as i scorched your soul